I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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