i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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