Soap is not a condiment
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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