you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
