I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
