As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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