I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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