I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Everclear isn't food dammit
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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