WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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