So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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