Already got asked if we're dating
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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