Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
