i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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