Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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