did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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