We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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