mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
