I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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