Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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