what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I AM VODKA MAN
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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