Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
