I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
