Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
