I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
