saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
