we're chasing vodka with high fives
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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