how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
