I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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