Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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