In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
whose parrot is this?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
