someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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