I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
