Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
