Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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