he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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