I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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