Just fell off a train. Bad.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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