I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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