So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
