i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
