I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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