I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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