he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
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We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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