put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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