I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
