Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
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He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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