you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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