I'm jealous of your bromance
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
