Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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