dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
