my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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