Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
