Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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