They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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