I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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