i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
