my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
