He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
