i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
